The best of Marty Feldman

Marty Feldman was not as well-known in North America as he was in the UK, and many here may think that his bulging eyes made him a bit of a one-trick comic but he was a comedy genius.

On giving advice to people in internet forums

Here’s an old story from the internet on why you shouldn’t bother giving advice in the first place…

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OP: “Help! HELP! I’m stuck in a well!!!”

Biggies 1-4: “Climb! Climb up and take our hands!”

OP: “I’m thinking I should dig… should I dig?”

Biggie 5: “NO! I was trapped in a well, and digging is a bad idea! Climb out!”

Biggies 6-8: “We’re lowering ropes! Take hold of a rope!”

Biggie 9: “I’ve even tied a harness to the end of this one!”

OP: “I can feel the ropes, but I don’t want to hold onto them… should I dig?”

Biggie 10: “No! If you dig, you’ll hit water, and then you’ll be proper fucked. I should know, I almost drowned.”

OP: “I dug a little bit just now, and I haven’t hit water. I’m gonna keep digging…”

Biggies 11-18: “No! Climb! Climb out!”

OP: “Guys, I’m seriously stuck in this well! Help! HELP!!!”

Biggie 19: “I was trapped in a well once. It took me two years, but I managed to build a climbing machine that pulled me to safety out of a well bucket and a pocket watch. I’m dropping the blueprints, extra buckets, and an assortment of pocket watches.”

Biggie 20: “I’ve engineered a jet-pack that will rocket you to safety. Stay where you are and we’ll lower it down!””

OP: “Thanks for your help, guys. I’m gonna keep digging. I’ll find the Mines of Moria and I’ll just walk to the surface.”

**Biggies 1-20 piss in the well**

Biggie 21: “Guys, seriously… stop pissing in the well.”

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The birds, they’re angry!

Angry Birds is a fun little game, but effectively what you have are a bunch of birds that successively commit terroristic suicide attacks on the pigs who have stolen their eggs.

On second thought let’s forget that trip to Stockholm…

Dilbert creator Scott Adams: “Apparently Swedish laws are unique.  If you have a penis, you’re half a rapist before you even get through customs. And if your condom breaks, that’s jail time. What I’m saying is that the Club Med in Sweden is a nervous place.

Also Swedish condoms apparently break all the time, so I think I’m going to vacation somewhere else!

A word of advice

I’m not a fraud specialist, nor do I want to encourage people to defraud authorities, but if you’re going to pretend you’re pregnant so as to get state benefits you really should stop claiming after 9 months. A pregnancy that lasts more than 3 years becomes suspect at some point.

An interesting twist to “fiddling while Rome burns”

As if there weren’t already enough known reasons that lead the North American economy to collapse in 08, here’s another — the SEC didn’t see anything bad developing because its staff was too busy looking at porn. So they didn’t see it coming because they were distracted looking at a lot of people coming. They lost sight of the money and concentrated on the money shots. [insert your own porn-themed joke here].

A senior attorney at the SEC’s Washington headquarters spent up to eight hours a day looking at and downloading pornography. When he ran out of hard drive space, he burned the files to CDs or DVDs, which he kept in boxes around his office.

Yes, perseverance is often something to be commended, but it’s really time for that guy to admit he has a problem.

How entirely appropriate!

You may or may not know, but this week is National Procrastination Week. I really wanted to mention this before Thursday, but, you know.

I think this calls for a facepalm…

In a spectacular display of the sort of current-events knowledge and attention to detail that made her an ideal fit as White House Press Secretary under George W. Bush, Dana Perino went on some Fox News pundit show and affirmed that no terrorist attacks took place in the US while Bush was President. Which must mean that I and millions of others just imagined seeing the WTC buildings collapse into a heap of rubble.

I can barely contain myself!

Today is World Toilet Day, a day of awareness so people can reflect on their less fortunate counterparts who do not have access to proper sanitation facilities. I think it was invented by people who like to make bad puns. The organizers hope that this will lead many developing countries to make sanitation infrastructure their top priority, but I and many others would settle for it being number two [/rimshot]. People who visit the web site are encouraged to twitter their thoughts on the event, but frankly I don’t think that’s such a good idea. So if you’re having a party tonight and there’s an awkward pause just connect your laptop to your TV and celebrate with a mass viewing of 2G1C.

Like 1994 all over again!

Ah, the good old days of dialup internet and restricted university access, a time when people started wanting to know what this “internet” thing was about… may they never come again, except perhaps in parody form: Mastering the Internet and Mastering the Internet Part 2.