The Clever Shark

Even David Horowitz can’t find anything good to say about Coulter’s Treason. You know things can’t be going well when your own side disavows you…

The internet is a wonderful technology. Even the refuse it produces — unsolicited commercial e-mail, or ‘spam’ — is good for a laugh.

I’ve been on the net for a while, and my e-mail address has remained the same for the past 5 years or so; as a result I get LOTS of spam. I currently use a commercial spam-filtering service, so thankfully I am spared the full onslaught of that garbage. Most of the spam gets collected in a special folder which I am then free to report or just delete. A quick look through the stuff that gets delivered to that special folder is always good for a giggle, however.

Enter the world of spam!

On most such articles there is some kind of a disclaimer here that there might be some language which is offensive to stuck-up people with children, so this one is no exception. In the following paragraphs there might be some language which is offensive to stuck-up people with children, so you’ve been warned. Then again if your kids have e-mail they’ve probably seen the full e-mails the following titles refer to, which are almost always more offensive than the titles themselves.

This is what you needed

That’s an ad for some so-called “herbal viagra”. Easy to spot as spam.

Broadcast Email Advertise to 36.2 Million People – FREE

Judging by the fact that this ended up in ‘crap’ folder, I can just imagine how effective that sort of marketing campaign really is.

Are you undexperienced?

Run of the mill porn site spam. I can’t answer the title question, because I don’t know what “undexperienced” means. Incidentally if you want to cut out a lot of sex site spam automatically delete any e-mail from the “toteme.com” domain, which is where this ‘gem’ of illiteracy comes from.

Actually reverse a g i n g symptoms! zkmcmspiwace e

Evidently whatever that product does do, it doesn’t prevent you from forgetting about things like orthograph. Jokes aside, this is one way spammer scum get e-mail in your inbox — add garbage characters to the end of the subject line, which fools most filters into thinking the message is in a foreign language. And by ‘garbage characters’ I don’t mean the contents of those messages.

rectal ravaging!

Yup, this one is obviously for a sex site. I have a tough time understanding why people enjoy porn which advertizes itself as being deliberately degrading and hurtful, but then I guess I’m old-fashioned that way.

xxxx RE: Enhance Your Anatomy Without Dangerous Surgery gcvltqbc ptyhxrs:y gnrq?busb.

Another attack of logorrhea! Actually four x’s at the beginning cover up my first name; usually spam filters ignore messages which contain either a proper noun or e-mail address. This e-mail was probably sent to all users with the same login name at a very long list of domains; that’s also a well-known spamming tactic. So is the use of “re:”, which makes it appear as though the message was in response to something the recipient wrote. So, a combination of tactics there.

sleep it off

Yet another “herbal/generic viagra” ad. Again, something along the lines of the previous fake viagra ad. This one apparently comes from one “dr-roy-bates” — I wonder, if he had a butler, would he call the man “Master Bates”?

Better than Viagra: Cialis (the French call it: “Le Weekend!”)

Normally spammers don’t use the word “viagra” in their subject lines, as that’s a big trigger for spam filters. Now, everyone knows what Viagra does — are you sure you’d like to take something that puts you in that state for two whole days???

Money you never have to return! flfan dve

Wow, free cash! that couldn’t possibly be a scam, could it? 🙂 Why do all these “free money” people ask you to pay them something up front? Are they not making enough money through their “magical money secrets” already?

Your Warrenty…..

Just what I’m looking for, a warranty salesman who can’t be bothered to look up a simple word in the dictionary! Probably an intentional mistake to trip up spam filters, but it does make the spamming scumbag look like a real tard.

Remove at least 1 Bad Credit Item Today – URGENT RESPONSE NEEDED

A new trend in spam is to advertise “credit bureau secrets” which, the spammer claims, can erase your bad credit without your ever having to repay a thing. In related news, ever notice that “spam” is but one letter away from “scam”? I knew you would.

How close are you to being a genius?

Enough of a genius that I didn’t bother opening this piece of spam. Oh, I forget, that’s not ‘genius’, just ‘exercising a modicum of common sense’.

Unlock The Secrets Of The Lottery

Again, if the author knew “the secrets of the lottery” he’d be so rich he wouldn’t need to spam me in order to sell his book. In fact he probably wouldn’t have bothered writing a book in the first place — he’d be sitting at some huge mansion enjoying three BJs a day and doing jack squat and collecting his weekly millions.

Foribdden farm fun

Obviously a porn site ad. This one appears to be illiterate as well as illicit.

Increase semen and shoot further, up to 3 times more semen. htmj

Why the heck would someone want to achieve those results??? Trying to paint a room?

xxxx,hi there…:-)

This is from one “Darla”. Again, the four x’s mask my first name. “Darla” must be a very lonely woman, since I have received many messages from her… at many different e-mail addresses! Either she’s completely fictitious, or she really has the hots for EVERY MAN who shares my (rather common) first name. My advice for her is to get some sort of a “personal pleasure device” and give it that name.

This will make ya cream..

As a man I find that proposition rather funny… I haven’t heard that term used since grade school.

You can order Anti-depressants, weight loss meds,and pain relief meds online with NO PRESCRIPTION

Yeah, that sounds like a really smart thing to do, ordering prescription drugs without a prescription.

What men want, and women crave! zvort

Wow, where can I get that universally-adored ‘zvort’ thing?

Weird stuff all in all; and remember, this is only a small selection of the amount of crap that gets to my inbox every single day. You’ve probably seen a few of these in your own inbox.

RIAA on wrong end of antitrust suit. Burn, baby, burn…

Coalition troops wrecked and pillaged Baghdad Airport. Yeah, like the US doesn’t already have enough of a black eye over the WMD thing…

The US still has the best DoJ money can buy. Antitrust? wat dat?

Adobe to introduce M$-style product activation. Personally I don’t care to do business with companies that assumes all their users as thieves… that’s why I use Gimp on Linux.

Adobe to Mac Premiere users: bugger off! Mind you, with product authentication and other spyware on Adobe’s road map, who needs ’em?

Apparently the Koran says nothing about stealing from your countrymen. That whole “jihad” thing appears to be just a front for motivation that is “human, all too human”.

I got this through e-mail yesterday, and I can say without the shadow of a doubt that this is the weirdest, least comprehensible piece of I have ever received. I haven’t changed any of it (I swear!). See for yourself. I can’t make heads or tails of it, if you know what it’s about feel free to tell me!

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Greetings,

We need a vendor who can offer immediate supply. I’m offering $5,000 US dollars just for referring a vender which is (Actually RELIABLE in providing the below equipment) Contact details of vendor required, including name and phone #. If they turn out to be reliable in supplying the below equipment I’ll immediately pay you $5,000. We prefer to work with vendor in the Boston/New York area.

1. The mind warper generation 4 Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with z80 or better memory adapter. If in stock the AMD Dimensional Warp Generator module containing the GRC79 induction motor, two I80200 warp stabilizers, 256GB of SRAM, and two Analog Devices isolinear modules, This unit also has a menu driven GUI accessible on the front panel XID display. All in 1 units would be great if reliable models are available
2. The special 23200 or Acme 5X24 series time transducing capacitor
   with built in temporal displacement. Needed with complete
   jumper/auxiliary system
3. A reliable crystal Ionizor with unlimited memory backup.
4. I will also pay for Schematics, layouts, and designs directly from the manufature which can be used to build this equipment from readily available parts.

If your vendor turns out to be reliable, I owe you $5,000.

Email his details to me at: info@federalfundingprogram.com

Please do not reply directly back to this email as it will
only be bounced back to you.

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In spam as in life, truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. Meantime, if you have a “Mind Warper Generation 4” you don’t know what to do with, write that guy (I haven’t changed the e-mail address or anything).

Back from vacation… Canada is lovely this time of year, y’all should consider paying a visit.