The Clever Shark

Why is the White House trying to block the release of information on 9/11? Are you paranoid enough? Apparently not.

Kyoto Protocol News — even those who like it don’t give a damn. Consider my intentions, not my actions…

Win2003: Microsoft may be sellin’, but customers ain’t buyin’. Secure by default? I got this to say: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 20 times, shame on me… it’s amazing how much FUD is oozing out of Microsoft on this one, especially given their really poor security record. If you’re looking to dump NT, the best thing you can look at is still Linux, because no matter what you set up as a server OS you will have to do a lot of tweaking and configuration to get good performance, and there will be a hell of a lot more people who can help you with configuring Linux than a brand-new, largely untested, closed-source system.

Former drug czar and family-values honcho William Bennet reportedly has huge gambling problems. Surely he’s just doing advance research for his upcoming “The Big Book of Vices”.

Is Madonna setting herself up to become cell block mamma? Funny how stupid laws end up kicking their promoters in the teeth… too soon to cry victory yet though, this is America and corporate interests usually are above the law of ‘the rest of us’.

Next Xbox revision to include ‘Active Death Technology’ A nice way to boost quarterly earnings too…

Garofalo rants about Fox News, makes the right-wing network look ‘fair and objective’. All the media exposure is but a further proof of the conspiracy to ignore her, I’m sure.

San Francisco holds ‘Masturbate-a-Thon’ Maybe I’m old fashioned, but shouldn’t these people be having sex with one another??

I have but a few words for those of you from other places in America and indeed around the world who are thinking of relocating to New York, or even attaching to the Big Apple a sentiment of glamour and excitement (something I myself was guilty of until recently): don’t. Just don’t. Fuhgeddaboudit.

The fact is, New York sucks. Bigtime. It blows. It bites. The big one, no less.

Now, I can imagine the esteemed reader recoiling in horror at such a phrase being uttered. ‘Surely New York is the greatest city in the world! How can you say this?’… well, if you are saying that, you obviously don’t live here. I, however, do, and am disseminating this article for the benefit of those who obsess yourselves with thinking that New York is ‘da bomb’. Don’t believe the hype. If you do you will regret it, and will be in so much debt you’ll lie awake at night staring at the ceiling wondering how the fuck you got into this mess in the first place and how you’ll possibly ever manage to get the fuck out. Believe me… I do, with increasing and disturbing regularity.

Exhibit A: Accomodations.

New York is big. Very big. Everything about this place is larger than life. Living in this area does involve certain perks. In many sectors of the job market, you’ll find that your salary would be much higher in New York than it would be wherever you live. That sounds like a sure bet: relocate here, and you’ll make (sometimes) several times what you used to make back home! Well, it’s a scam. The three-card monty. The mother of all con jobs. It’s not that your employers won’t pay you that; they will. However New York’s dirty little secret is that despite the huge pay raise, down the line you will almost assuredly end up more indebted and miserable than you ever imagined you could possibly be. And even if you move back at that point, it’s already too late, because the money you make outside New York will make it even less possible to cover your debts! By the way, that’s the very reason why I have so many banners on my web pages, so don’t be shy about frequenting my selected list of merchants.

How is that possible, you ask? Simple. Since the dotcom shakeout, New York has justly regained its title as the most expensive place to live in the Western Hemisphere, and nowhere is this reflected more, well, blatantly than in the rent checks you must cut each and every month. This is especially shocking for those of us who come from fairly low-rent areas (in my case, Montreal). To put things in perspective, for a slight improvement in the quality of the neighborhood but with things being otherwise equal, I pay roughly the same amount for one month’s rent as it would have cost me to have a roof over my head for six months in my last Montreal pad. No, that’s not a mistake.

And I’m getting a good deal by all accounts. I chose to live in New Jersey, which means that I am paying considerably less than someone who must absolutely have a Manhattan address; that’s why I pay “only” almost $2000 (that’s in US dollars folks) a month for a pretty spacious two-bedroom apartment. In Manhattan something equivalent would cost at least $3500. In Brooklyn or Queens, between $2500 and $3000 (if you can even find a place this big which is also clean of roaches, rats and other pests in those boroughs). In the Bronx… well, who knows; I prefer to stay alive long enough to, well, pay the rent next month. Manhattan remains the yardstick, however, because almost everyone who comes to New York from abroad feels that they really must find a place there, although they quickly expand their horizons once they realize that they have the choice of either getting a Manhattan pied-a-terre or, say, eating every day.

Of course there’s always sharing, which is as popular here as it is in other major cities. Then again it also means sharing a non-negligible part of your life with just-about-complete strangers of various opinions, income levels and criminal records. Here’s a tip — it may well be that these people do not share your views on a number of topics! Surprising as it may be to hear, that is the cause of many people finding themselves either evicted or on the run from their erstwhile roomies. Differing views, more often than not, include how clean to keep the common place, when (and until what early morning hour) it is appropriate to hold parties, the kind of people outside the rent signers who should be left to roam unescorted through the apartment, how loud the TV should be at 4AM and sundry minor things like the definition of ‘private property’. If that’s the sort of risk you want to take, New York never runs short on ‘for share’ offers, the majority of which are caused by co-tenants whose luck has run out and can no longer afford the rent, or by co-tenants who have found other opportunities and have decided to celebrate by running off without telling those who are left holding the bag for the extra share — both eventualities usually occurring within a few days of said rent becoming due.

It should be added that many people find rent partners through work. This sort of arrangement works out much better than other kinds (like the Village classifieds). That is the road taken by many where I work. My office is particularly well-suited for this sort of thing, as the vast majority of people are from 4 ethnic groups who therefore have many things in common with one another. You can’t generally count on this sort of occurrence, though.

If it were only for rent, things wouldn’t be so bad. That’s not all you need to think about before packing your bags and becoming a ‘New Yohker’, however — here’s another piece of the Big Apple’s big scam. The world is full of people who want to live here, and Manhattan being an island, it’s quite difficult to find an apartment by yourself. That’s why you practically have to go to a real estate agent who will find you an apartment… for a fee.

In Hoboken (where I hang my hat) the fee is one month’s rent. In New York City it is usually 15% of your annual rent (just about twice the Hoboken amount). Also, don’t forget about the security deposit. That’s generally 10 to 15% of your annual rent. It’s all up front. And it’s all cash — cutting a check for these things is frowned upon in the City where the demand for housing is high and frankly furious, but you’ll be able to get away with it in New Jersey. To recap, before gaining the priviledge of paying $2K/month for a roof over your sleepy head, you’ll have to shell out at least $5K, 2 of which is complete overhead, and the other 3 being something you’re not likely to see ever again (unless your landlord is a nice guy, like mine — I’m lucky that way).

So, strange travellers from afar, this is what you’re up against even before you get here. And I haven’t even gotten to the meat of why you should avoid living here like you should shun the ebola virus. Stay tuned…

The Vodkaphiles. For those of us with a taste, acquired or otherwise, for Russia’s ‘little water’.